This is rant number 2, and as the topic says the topic for today is friends. This is probably the most common and clichéd rant ever, everyone goes on rants about their friends, how they go about it is different, but everyone does.
But my rant today is about how to select the right friends and how to define them.
Friends can be categorized in 3 Levels.
- Hi Bye Friends
- Friends
- Close friends
I'm not factoring work friends here because you don't make friends at work. Like it or not it's all a competition work friends will cut you down for their advantage in the blink of an eye, that’s the reality. But sometimes a few people slip through the cracks that you do grow close to and you still keep in touch even if either one of you leave that office.
Everything in between school friends, Travel friends, Gym friends fall in to Hi Bye Friends or Friends.
Hi Bye Friends or Level 1 Friends are people who you know (sometimes not even by name) or come across in life who don't leave a permanent mark in your brain... forgetable or unimportant people in your life.
Friends or Level 2 friends are people you hang out with them, have good conversations, have fun, go drinking with, gossip, go on trips with...etc, but you won't tell them your weird shit, you won't tell them know what you really think of them and you'll keep certain things from them.
Close friends or Level 3 are the friends who you will trust with yourself and eventually become your family, you can relate to these people so easily, it's like talking to yourself. How and how long it takes for a High Bye Friend or a Friend to become a Close Friend differs according to each person's personality and how open they are.
Defining your levels of friends is easy, picking and enforcing which level they fall under is the hardest part.
Picking friends depends a lot on a person’s personality. If you are an open person (extrovert) you tend to make friends faster and you tend to know more people. This does not mean you are popular. Knowing more people and being popular are 2 different things, just because you know a lot of people doesn't mean they like you, it just means you're able to strike up a conversation, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good conversation.
If you’re more of the quiet type (introvert) you tend to sit back and take longer to make conversation with people. You take your time to observe people and then make your move. This sometimes does mean you misjudge people, sometimes.
Being an extrovery and introvert has its own pros and cons so I won’t go in to those, but picking people and deciding which category they fall under is really hard as I said before.
When picking people normally people tend to go for people on the same wavelength or t people who have the same thinking pattern as they are have, people who they can speak the same language as they can and who they can relate to. By doing this people tend to miss out on some of the most interesting people they will ever meet. Meeting someone who doesn’t have the same opinion as you isn’t always a bad thing, in fact from personal experience it’s a good thing sometimes. You tend to have some of the most interesting arguments/conversations you will ever have. You get to defend your side of the story or argument while learning new things that you didn’t know about the other side of the coin. So picking your friends by common interests is a very bad choice.
But you can’t be friends with someone you have nothing with in common either. I’ve been there more than once and boy is it awkward, not fun, not fun at all. But sometimes life forces you in to these situations where you have to be friends with certain people. So you have 2 choices then, try and work out a way to join the heard or just be the odd one out. But funnily sometimes these sort of friendships either work out or you tend to interconnect with their friends, (friends of friends) who tend to be more interesting than the original friends.
Finally comes the weeding out process of deciding if whoever you meet is worth being friends with. There are so many factors to consider at this stage.
Firstly, am I comfortable around this person? This is probably the most important question I think and decides things on several different levels of friendship. Can I have a decent conversation with this person? Is he/she approachable and easy to talk to? Deciding time and results vary upon if you’re an extrovert or introvert, extroverts tend to get along with everyone while introverts take longer deciding. But just because an extrovert gets comfortable with someone, doesn’t mean they trust or will talk to someone they just met.
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Next is does this person cause any conflicts with in my life? Is me being friends with this person going to affect my image, life, job, education or even other friendships. This depends on a person’s judging skills and can vary again on how analytical or how well you rely on your gut (Thinking or Judging – Reseasrch MBTI on more information on this).
Finally and most importantly, the factor that decides which layer a person falls under in the friendship scale, can I trust this person? Trust is a huge part of any relationship, if there is no relationship. Period. The level of trust is the most important determining factor which decides on which level you place that person.
Even having all this information thought out, picking friends is still not easy. Unfortunately not everything is black and white and can be easily figured out in life, it takes work and years of practice to perfecting the art of selecting the right friends. Even with years of practice one can’t guarantee they will pick up the correct friends.
The most frustrating part for me is when some people show so much promise and ability of being good friends but they fail to deliver them plain lazy, selfish or self centered. Also two faced people who are very arrogant and boisterous in front of certain groups of people or in groups in general but totally different in private, (i.e. during personal conversation). I can’t stand those types of people. I personally keep these sorts of people at a Hi Bye Level (Level 1).
Once people get to the Friends Level (Level 2) it’s very hard to draw the line on if their Friends (Level 2) or Close Friends (Level 3). Sometimes you have good conversations with Friends that turn them in to your best friends. For me sometimes because of the prior experience with Friends I tend to keep my distance even after having good conversations or good hang out sessions with Friends.
Sometimes you have to keep your distance from people no matter how good the chemistry is, be shrewd with the company you keep and trust your gut feeling when it comes to trusting people. End of the day the factor of the matter is nobody is going to look out for you other than you, you have to forge your own destiny! Everybody will let you down eventually, no matter how long you’ve known them or how close you are to them, the sooner you realize it is the better it is for you.
I tend to keep my distance from people who I don't trust and keep them at Hi Bye Level. If I can hold a decent conversation, laugh or hang out with them I tend to consider them friends. The people who I can be weird around, tell the weird shit that goes through my head and still want to be my friends are my Close friends...actually my extended family.
Wow this turned out to be quite a long post, really didn’t expect it to be this long honestly, it was supposed to be a rant about how picking friends is so hard but the words just came to me.
This is a personal opinion developed by a collection of experience/advise and observations that I gathered over the years. Hopefully it will help you (Firstly hope someone reads this completely!)
As I stated about check out MBTI, it's a bit of a long read, but its well worth your time.